Gen Z Guide to FI

TL:DR I’m spiraling about my future. I’ve been in waiting mode for a few weeks. I’m waiting to hear back from my schools. Waiting to quit my job. Waiting to leave Buttfuck, CA. Waiting for my future stable lover to find me in my apartment.

I’ve been feeling very anxious and aware that I’m waiting for my future exciting life to begin. I have to say my life right now is a bit bland. I’ve had some exciting periods this year. It is those exciting periods that have made this quiet time so unsettling. I have too much quiet time. I’m constantly listening to podcasts and audiobooks to drown out the quiet.

As I sit in bed every night, I find the quiet so uncomfortable. So, I listen to random podcasts or rewatch One Piece until I fall asleep.

I’m in a drift state. 

Today, I woke up riddled with anxiety about problems that aren’t even problems yet. Future events that I won’t have control over. I am still spiraling and trying to get my thoughts out in this post so I can get the feelings out.

My primary source of anxiety surrounds the thought of talking with my parents about my school choices for my grad school quest. In my spiraling mind, I have manifested that I got into all 4 schools that interviewed me. Note: This has not happened yet, but I’m already spiraling. This is also the best-case scenario, and I’m unsure why I’m so stressed about it.

But I shall continue to explain why I’m spiraling.

In the event that I do get into all, I’m worried about financial aid. I don’t want to lose control of my life by asking my parents to help me financially. I want to go anywhere I get offered a full ride. But what if I don’t get a full ride? That’s another spiral.

I’m trying to manifest a full ride for at least one of the programs. But my next spiral is what if I get a full ride to a school that my parents don’t approve of.  I’m not sure I understand why this bothers me so much. I’m in control of my life. Why do I want my parents to approve my decisions? I’m spending all of January with them and I don’t want to feel bad about trying to explain my choices to them (for example: why I don’t want to choose an Ivy League if they don’t offer enough financial aid). I think my parents will be very offended if I tell them I don’t want them to help me with school.

But again, the biggest question is, ‘Why am I spiraling so much about scenarios that have not even happened?’. I’m bringing it back full cycle to blame the waiting period. I have so much time to spiral. I live alone and it’s dark early. All I have is myself and it’s starting to freak me the fuck out. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

I’m trying to go out more. I take walks and go to the movies; I also signed up for a dance class. I need to live a bit more to have less time to spiral.

XOXO Gen Z Fire Baby